July 10, 2017

to thomas





You helped me down the hill.
That’s the last, true memory I have. 

You reached up for me, all hardness and height and strength. 
And I took your hand, all warmth and softness and laughter. 
You helped me down. We never said a word. 

But that last moment, 
the one right before I let go 
and Time ripped us apart like two small leaves 
on a fierce, wide river; 
it lasted for years.

I gripped tighter. 

Did you feel it? 
Right before I let go? 
It’s because I knew. 
The Lord in His grace gave me a second sight, 
the one that makes everything go slow right before somebody leaves forever. 

I gripped onto your big, strong hand 
that swallowed my little one, 
soaking up the warmth and the way you loved me until we 
both let go.

And the feeling of your fingers slipping through mine 
was the best metaphor for saying goodbye that I have ever known. 

Whenever I write down that word, goodbye, it’s that moment. 
It’s our moment. 
It’s our last moment, physically slipping through our fingers.

x




i have just honestly not had any time to take pictures or think.
because i've been busy with beautiful things.
it's good to be busy with beautiful things.
(but i miss u all an awful lot.)
x




June 22, 2017


this is the song of promise
in the middle of me hurting so much
that i’m just a little closer to pain
than i am to joy. 
forgiveness wells up inside of my heart
like i am a fountain
filled with water from a Living Source. 
and though things will never be the same
i can drip drip drip
all over those close to me until we can both sing
i’ve been healed.
i’ve been healed.
i’ve been healed.

this is the song of belief
in the middle of me forgetting what it is like
to dance upon the heights
by the side of the Lover of my soul
Who’s embrace is like a glowing fire
warm warm warm
against my cold little skin.
love me.
love me.
please.

this is the song of tomorrow
in the middle of a today that feels an awful like a yesterday
i thought i’d always have.
but the Spirit is of change, and change is of pain,
and i am of both.
i can drip drip drip
until i am warm warm warm
beside the fire of Your Love for me,
drinking from the depths of Your care.

because this is the song of promise
in the middle of me hurting so much.
and when you sing yourself forward

you gotta go.
you gotta go.
you gotta go.

x


June 1, 2017

a little phoenix


i feel like a little phoenix with dark wings
learning that it is better to be holy
than beautiful.

and now that i am burning
like a wheat field in the magic hour 
most of them slowly back up.

but some of them are laughing.
some of them catch me in their arms
and throw me towards the sky
saying
go on.
and on.
and on.

i feel like a little phoenix with dark wings.
unrecognizable.
but still the same
as my feathers burn under a sky
close to the Father.

don't cry, dearest one.
separation is the way of things.
for i am a little phoenix now,
with dark wings.
and i need to go on.
and on.
and on.

x


hopefully toby doesn't become famous because he took these and toby if you're seeing this now in the future please have mercy remember how much you love me.


May 9, 2017

i, like the moon


i
like the moon
have passed through many seasons.

some of them were so dark
that all of the stars seemed to wonder if i'd
ever come back.
but i did.

i came back as a sliver
and then a piece
and suddenly there was so much of me that the rest of the sky seemed dim compared to the light that was reflecting on my skin.

i
like the moon
have passed through many seasons.

and though i am whole now,
i know that one day i shall be only a sliver again.

that's how it goes, darling.

wax
and wane.
wax
and wane.

but the Light stays the same.

x

just a little moon beam here, reflecting the Light of a Perfect God. unworthily, mind you. but steadily, by the grace of the Father.

photocreds to my sis and kansas

missed u.